Song and Dance
by NikkieSheepie
Summary: The Torchwood team at their most vulnerable, alone and unaware.   Pure crack one shots
1. Ianto Jones and an empty hub

**Song and Dance**

**Disclaimer:** I'm really just having a bit of fun with my favorite fictional characters, no copyright etc intended.

**A/N:** Sorry for neglecting you all (and my stories) for so long, I've been away in Uganda for three weeks (not even a hint of a tan an I didn't use sun cream!) and wrote this while I was away. Unfortunatly I'll be off again tomorrow (WALES! Woo!) for a week. There will be more written for this since I'm planning on writing while I'm away but there wont be updates as I'm not allowed to take me laptop *pout*.  
Anywhos, enjoy!

Comments are much appreciated!

* * *

Ianto Jones – I just can't get you out of my head.

Ianto swayed his hips gently to the music in the background as he moved between work stations, picking up coffee mugs and rubbish. The rest of the ream had been out all morning trying to round up half a dozen pitbull frogs which a group of teenagers had found and started playing with, until one of them got bitten.

As the chorus of the pop song began to kick in, Ianto found he simply couldn't stop himself from joining in with the great woman.

"I just can't get you out of my head." He sang, putting his tray of empty coffee mugs down on the small table in front of the sofa.

He continued to sing as he boogied his way to Jack's office. "Your love is all I think about" Ianto tidied the piles of reports which were beginning to spread across the desk, his eyes opening wide as he found one which had actually been filled out.

"I just can't get you out of my head." He grabbed the empty coffee cup and added it to the collecting on the tray in the main hub. How on earth had he collected 7 mugs?

Shrugging Ianto's dancing got bigger and bolder as he checked the autopsy bay for anything Owen had left behind. After all, the doctor often seemed to be collecting empty coffee mugs and other bits of rubbish and today was no exception.

Adding the mugs to the tray (9? Really?) he then threw the rubbish at the bin and spun around in celebration as the crumpled wrapper found its mark.

"Yes!" cheered Ianto, his expression changing from pride to suspicion as he noticed a figure standing by the rolling door. 'Bugger, the alarm is disabled.' He thought to himself as he asked, "How long have you been there?"

A smile adorned his co-workers face, "Long enough." Was the only response he received from the smug doctor in the doorway.


	2. Owen Harper and a boring autopsy

**Song and Dance**

**Disclaimer:** I'm really just having a bit of fun with my favorite fictional characters, no copyright etc intended.

**A/N:** Again apologies for neglecting you all, but here is the second of what could end up being a long line of singing and dancing tales!

Comments are much appreciated! Also any ideas you have for any of the characters, post as a comment or pm me. You will be given credit if I use your idea!

* * *

Owen was performing yet another autopsy after normal working hours (not that Torchwood done normal anything really but that was beside the point.) He didn't mind really, he had nothing to go home to but a takeaway and late night TV.

Recently Owen had taken to humming or whistling while he was alone, just to break the deafening silence of the empty hub. He'd tried the radio but he'd found that he spent more time yelling at the stupid presenters who didn't know what they were talking about then actually doing his job.

For once the doctor was actually humming a recognisable tune, a quick check of the CCTV feed on his computer revealed a lifeless Hub (literally) and he figured it was safe to dust off his singing voice.

"Be our guest, be our guest, put our service to the test.' He sang to the cadaver before him as he unpacked his autopsy kit.

"Tie your napkin round your neck cherie and we'll provide the rest." He waggled his scalpel at the body.

"Soup du jour! Hot hors d'oeuvres! Why, we only live to serve." Owen paused slightly, seeing the irony of his last statement.

"Try the grey stuff, it's delicious. Don't believe me? Ask the dishes." He began to act to an invisible audience, gesturing to his instruments,

"They can sing, they can dance. After all Miss, this is France." Owen performed a nest twirl as he sang 'dance' fading away as he done a double take, finding that he was no longer alone and had a real audience.

"Tosh!" He practically yelped, "If you breathe a word of this to anyone…" he let his sentence hang as the small Japanese woman mimed zipping her lips closed before turning away laughing.

"Well I thought I was doing well." Owen whispered to the body on the table before beginning his autopsy for real.


	3. Toshiko Sato and the radio

**Song and Dance**

**Disclaimer:** I'm really just having a bit of fun with my favorite fictional characters, no copyright etc intended.

**A/N:** I wasn't planning to update today but I woke up and thought of this and decided it was just too good to share. Apparently my muse is returning to me after a long absence and filling my mind with crack!  
Don't expect an update for a few days at least as I get my A-Level results tomorrow and will be spending the evening getting drunk in celebration or to drown my sorrows :)

Comments are much appreciated as are any ideas for any character. (There may be group sing along's as well but that all depends on how this decides to flow.)

* * *

Tosh hummed gently along to the radio on her desk. Being a technical genius she was the only one of the team with a radio that worked down in the hub, admittedly it only worked if she placed it on the very edge of her workstation and she had to be careful not to knock it off, but that was fine.

The station she was listening to, Bay Radio, was one of her favourites. They played a nice wide range of music, from pop to Abba, speaking of which Dancing Queen had just been announced making Tosh smile a little, it was one of her favourite songs.

As the beginning chords filled the air around her Tosh found that she was swaying involuntarily.

'_You can dance, you can ji-ive, having the time of your liiif. See that girl, watch that scene, diggin' the dancing queen'_ Tosh was distracted and there was nothing she could do about it. She decided to stop working on the complicated new program she was planning to install overnight and take a break.

'_Friday night and the lights are low. Looking out for a place to go.'_ Hurriedly Tosh looked around her desk for an improvised microphone. 'If I'm going to be distracted, I might as well do it properly.' She thought to herself as she found a pen with a fluffy pink top that would take the place of a microphone nicely.

'_Where they play the right music, getting in the swing. You come to look for a king.'_

Finally Tosh was ready to join in, _'Any body could be that guuuy. The night is young and the music's hiiiigh.'_ She began singing quietly while she looked around the main hub and down into the medical bay. Both were empty.

'_With a bit of rock music, everything is fine. You're in the mood for a dance.'_ Tosh's singing got gradually louder as she began to enjoy herself despite her self-consciousness. _'And when you get the chance…'_

As the chorus hit Tosh began dancing, well, swaying with one arm above her head. _'You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen. Dancing queen, feel the beat from the tambourine oohh yeahh.'_

'_You can dance.'_ Tosh pointed to nothing, _'You can jiiive, having the time of your liiife. Ohh. See that girl, watch that scene, diggin' the dancing queen.'_

Tosh had closed her eyes as she danced around a little, feeling the moment of utter bliss. When she opened them however she was in for a shock. "Jack!" Toshiko blushed tomato red as she noticed her boss standing in the entrance to his office with a smile on his face.

"It was good. You've got a nice voice." Replied Jack simply. "Doesn't she Ianto?" he called back over his shoulder causing Tosh to blush even more.

Ianto emerged from behind Jack, his shirt was open and untucked and there was no hint of a tie 'wonder what they've been up to.' Tosh thought sarcastically to herself before remembering her current situation.

Ianto moved around Jack, "Don't worry, Owen caught me dancing to Kylie." He said with a hint of a grin.

Tosh suddenly forgot about the embarrassment she'd just experienced and returned Ianto's smile. "I saw him singing Disney last night."


	4. Jack Harkness and the shower

**Song and Dance**

**Disclaimer:** I'm really just having a bit of fun with my favorite fictional characters, no copyright etc intended.

**A/N:** Good news everyone, I was celebrating rather then drowning my sorrows since I got the grades I need to get into uni! Woo!

Comments are much appreciated as are any ideas for any character. (There may be group sing along's as well but that all depends on how this decides to flow.)

Suggested by**:** _**Tacroy**_

* * *

Ianto sighed, once again jack had forgotten to grab a towel from the airing cupboard _before _he went to have a shower. Jack knew how Ianto felt about wet foot prints through his flat, after all, tiles were designed to get wet, carpet wasn't.

Grabbing a towel as he went past Ianto opened the bathroom door (which Jack never bothered to lock, even when there were guests other then him in the flat) "Jack, towel." He called as he pushed the door open slightly, receiving no response. "Always forgetting a damn towel." He mumbled entering the room fully, spotting a pink figure in the steamy shower.

Ianto turned to leave but stopped as he thought he heard Jack say something. "What was that Jack?" he asked, receiving another mumble in reply. "I am _not _opening that door so I can hear you better, it can wait until you get out or speak up." This time a tuneful mumble could be heard through the drumming of the water on glass.

"_For the first time, in history, its gonna start raining men."_

Ianto waited in the doorway, unsure of what he had just witnessed. Was Captain Jack Harkness singing in the shower?

"_It's raining men! Hallelujah! It's raining men. Amen." _The pink figure in the shower began dancing as well as the wet floor would allow as he sang. _"I'm gonna go outside, I'm gonna let myself get, absolutely soaking wet!"_

Shudders rippled through Ianto's body as he tried in vain to contain his laughter, ignoring the fact that Jack could obviously not hear him over the water, if he turned it off suddenly then his audience would be suddenly revealed.

Jack continued to sing, unaware of his audience as he showered until he spun around while singing, spotted Ianto, lost his footing on the wet shower floor and landed with a crash, popping open the shower door and soaking Ianto.

Ianto stopped laughing immediately (well, reduced his laughter considerably due to his soaking) and went to help Jack up.

"Ianto Jones, were you perving on me?" asked Jack with his usual cheeky grin.

"Actually no, I bought you a towel since you forgot, again. Not that it's much use now you've soaked it and me. Anyway, since when have you sung in the shower?" countered Ianto as he pulled Jack to his feet.

"I always have, just if you're in ear shot we're normally otherwise occupied." He said with a smirk, leaning in close to the younger man and giving him a quick kiss. "Now hurry up Ianto Jones, you're going to make us late."


	5. Gwen Cooper and the rain

My long neglected crackfic!

I was looking through my old fic's and stumbled across a partially written entry for _Song and Dance_ and just had to finish it. I'm not entirely sure where inspiration for this came from, either the origional idea or the sudden writing urge I just experienced but hey, ENJOY!

Looks like this one might be coming back out of the filing box (no promises) so send me your suggestions (I did have a list once, not sure where it is now) for songs you want to see characters perform and I shall see what springs to mind. Send me whatever you want, I can always google the lyrics and listen on youtube!  
XD

* * *

Gwen – Singing in the rain

Gwen hummed to herself as she walked across Roald Dahl Plas towards the slightly run down tourist information centre on the edge of the bay. It was tipping it down with rain but even still Gwen was in an unusually good mood. She glanced up at the Torchwood security camera on the corner of the water tower from under her umbrella and grinned as she noticed it was facing the other direction. Gwen ran up the steps at the edge of the basin, putting her umbrella down as she went, ignoring the fact she was quickly soaked to the skin.

"_I'm siiiinging in the rain, just siiiinging in the rain." _She sang quietly to herself as she skipped sideways down the concrete steps. _"What a glooorious feeeeeling, I'm haaaappy again."_

As she continued her un-choreographed dance her singing became louder, not caring if the few strangers dashing across the open expanse heard her._ "I'm laughing at clouds, so daaark up above."_ She tilted her head to the sky and opened her mouth wide, drinking the fresh rain water as it fell onto her tongue. _"And the sun's in my heart, and I'm ready for love."_

Ianto grabbed the tray of freshly brewed coffee and placed each mug on the appropriate desk, pausing when he reached Tosh's currently empty desk to watch the CCTV footage from the Plas. "Hey guys, some woman's dancing around in the rain!" he shouted. She wasn't exactly making a fool out of herself, but she wasn't exactly Darcy Bustle either.

"_Let the stooormy clouds chase, everyoonne from the place. Come on with the raaain, I've a smiiile on my face."_ Gwen reached the bottom of the steps and spun on the spot with her arms outstretched, folded umbrella in one hand, handbag in the other. She turned back towards the tourist information office and walked jauntily towards her workplace, _"I walk down the lane, with a haapy refrain. Just singing, singing, in the raaain." _finishing off her spontaneous routine with a smooth jumping heel click.

Gwen walked into the hub looking like the perfect drowned rat.

"Gwen, you look like a drowned rat." Owen helpfully observed, you're probably as wet as the mad woman dancing around in the rain outside, you must have seen her. She was hilarious wasn't she guys?"


	6. Jack Harkness forgiving

_I bought myself a new album and have fallen slightly in love with it (P!nk Greatest Hits So Far) and was listening to it when I started thinking about the meaning of some of the songs._

_This song was just too good to ignore and this chapter pretty much wrote itself. Its not the normal style for this fic but I'm sure you'll enjoy it anyway._

_As ever, reviews are loved and any ideas are appreciated (if I use an idea I will obviously credit). Enjoy :)_

_(In case the title doesn't give it away, this song contains swearing but I doubt you people will mind that.)_

* * *

Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones – Fucking Perfect (lyrics altered slightly)

Jack sat down softly next to the worried Welshman. "Ianto…" he began, not really knowing what his next words were going to be. He knew what he wanted to say, he wanted to tell Ianto it was alright, everyone made mistakes, but he loved him, just the way he was, mistakes and all.

Ianto moved away as Jack snaked an arm over his shoulders, pulling him into a hug. He didn't deserve Jack, he really didn't, not after what he'd done.

Jack sighed and stood up, he didn't know how to say what he wanted to say. Then a thought struck him, something he'd heard on the radio a few days ago would do nicely. A few keystrokes on the computer later and he crouched down in front of the Welshman, waiting for the song to fill the silence.

"Made a wrong turn  
Once or twice  
Dug your way out  
Blood and fire  
Bad decisions  
That's alright  
Welcome to my silly life "

Ianto looked up, seeing a smile on Jack's face he couldn't help but smile a little as well.

"Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood  
Miss "no way it's all good"  
It didn't slow me down  
Mistaken  
Always second guessing  
Underestimating  
Look, I'm still around..."

Jack stood up as the chorus kicked in, moving a few paces away from Ianto as he did so, stretching his arms out slightly to the side.

"Pretty, pretty please  
Don't you ever, ever feel  
Like your less than  
Fuckin' perfect  
Pretty, pretty please  
If you ever, ever feel  
Like your nothing  
You're fuckin' perfect to me"

Ianto smiled as he watched the captain use someone else's words, moving slightly to the beat as he did so. Ianto sometimes wondered what it would be like to live in a musical, now he knew what it would be like if Jack was with him at least.

"You're so mean  
When you talk  
About yourself  
You are wrong  
Change the voices  
In your head  
Make them like you  
Instead"

Jack by this time was thoroughly enjoying himself, and Ianto seemed to be cheering up as well. Time to make a show of it.

"So complicated  
Look how big you'll make it  
Filled with so much hatred  
Such a tired game  
It's enough  
I've done all I can think of  
Chased down all my demons  
See you do the same"

Jack grabbed Ianto by the wrists, pulling him off of the sofa before bouncing back a few paces.

"Pretty, pretty please  
Don't you ever, ever feel  
Like your less than  
Fuckin' perfect  
Pretty, pretty please  
If you ever, ever feel  
Like your nothing  
You're fuckin' perfect to me "

Ianto's small smile grew into a huge grin as the Captain bounced around, obviously enjoying himself. He knew the song was aimed at him, forgiving him for his mistakes but right now that was at the back of his mind.

"The world stares while so I swallow the fear  
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer  
So cool in lying and I tried tried tried  
But we try too hard, it's a waste of our time  
Done looking for the critics, cuz they're everywhere  
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair  
Strangers to ourselves and we do it all the time  
Why do we do that?  
Why do you do that?  
Why do I do that?"

Jack continued to dance around in a random fashion, glad that at the very least he had brought a smile back to Ianto's face. As the chorus began for the last time he pulled Ianto into a hug, holding him as he sang.

"Ooh, pretty pretty pretty,  
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel  
Like you're less then, fuckin' perfect  
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel  
Like you're nothing, you're fuckin' perfect, to me  
You're perfect  
You're perfect  
Pretty, pretty please if you ever ever feel like you're nothing you're fucking perfect to me"

Jack planted a kiss on the younger man's lips before pulling away to look him in the eye.

Ianto smiled broadly. "You're fuckin' perfect to me too Jack."

* * *

_A/N: I'm sure I'll get people asking, "What did Ianto do?" and the answer is, I don't know. The most prominent thought when I was writing it was about Ianto accidentally shooting Jack but it was never part of the fic really so it doesn't matter._


	7. Gwen Cooper and Owen Harper arguing

Thanks to _cjh4ever_ for the idea, I didn't use your exact idea but this was fuelled by the suggestion. :)

As always, reviews and suggestions are much appreciated! Enjoy!  
:)

* * *

Gwen Cooper/Owen Harper – Anything you can do (I can do better)

Owen stood next to his workstation, arms folded, a scowl on his face. Gwen Cooper of all people had just fixed his computer. He couldn't get the blasted thing to turn on, but obviously Tosh wasn't around so Gwen had 'come to his rescuce'. "Right, great, you got it working. You've proved you can work a computer better than me. Happy?"

Gwen smiled to herself from her position under Owens desk, "Owen, anything you can do, I can do better."

"I can do anything better then you." Retorted Owen, mentally scratching 'making the computer work' off of the list of anythings.

"No you can't." said Gwen as she wiggled her way out from under the desk.

"Yes I can."

"No you can't!" replied Gwen, her smile obvious to the world.

"Yes I can!" shouted Owen, instantly regretting it as Jack's head flew up from inside his office and Ianto appeared from the small kitchen to see what all the noise was about this time. It was then Owen realised how incredibly childish they were being int heir argument and decided to turn things on their head. If Gwen wanted a challenge, he'd give her a challenge.

"Anything you can be, I can be greater, sooner or later I'm greater then you." He sang, almost glad he'd been forced to watch that stupid musical movie the girls had chosen for the last movie night.

Gwen cottoned on immediately. "No you're not."

"Yes I am."

"No you're not."

"Yes I am, yes I am!" Proclaimed Owen loudly, as if he'd just won the entire argument with that single statement. "I can shoot a monster straight from the holster."

"I can get a weevil with some cuffs and…" Gwen faltered, what on earth rhymed with Weevil?

Gwen's hiccup only served to spur Owen on. "I can live on bread and cheese." He continued with the song, forgetting the reply until it was too late.

"And only on that? Makes you a rat!" Gwen sang, smiling as she fiddled with the lyrics a little, making Owen turn a brighter shade of red as he got slowly angrier.

Owen took Gwen's creative licence and decided to skip the next section of the song, after all, Gwen would definitely win at being able to sing the highest. "Anything you can say, I can say softer." He smirked, figuring he had a decent chance of winning this contest.

"I can say anything softer then you."

"No you can't." whispered Owen.

"Yes I can." Replied Gwen, quieter still.

It was Owen's turn, "No you can't." It was like playing a game of reverse bogeys.

"Yes I can, yes I can." Said Gwen so quietly it was next to impossible to tell if there was any noise coming out of her mouth at all.

It was Ianto's turn to speak up now, watching them fight was too good an opportunity to miss, and after all, there was nothing wrong with poking a fire a little provided you didn't get burned. "I can still hear you both!" he shouted from the kitchen, smiling as he did so.

"I can drink my liquor, faster than a flicker." Said Owen, ignoring Ianto's input and focusing on grinding Gwen down.

"I can drink it quicker, and get even sicker." She replied, not sure she wanted to test this one later. Sure she'd get sicker then Owen but she was pretty sure he could down a pint faster.

"I can open any safe." Was Owen's next line.

"Without getting caught?"

"You bet."

"That's what I thought."

"Have you been in my safe Owen?" Yelled Jack in mock anger, not missing a beat. He loved to see the doctor squirm occasionally.

Owen flinched as the captain yelled at him, "No Jack, I haven't!" he shouted back before returning to the task at hand. "Any breath you can hold, I can hold longer."

"I can hold any breath longer then you." Sang Gwen in reply.

"No you can't."

"Yes I can."

"No you can't"

"Yes I can, Yes I…" She was cut off as she noticed both Jack and Ianto moving towards them.

"I think we should sort this out once and for all, don't you Ianto." Said Jack slyly, receiving a nod from Ianto he continued, "Hold your breath for as long as you can. Ready? Three, two, one, go."

Gwen and Owen stood staring angrily at each other and Jack and Ianto as they each held their breaths. Realising how stupid this all was, but at the same time not wanting to loose they struggled against their urge to breathe for as long as physically possible.

"Well, that's one way to shut them up." Said Ianto seriously, receiving a grin from Jack, and a death glare from Owen and Gwen.


End file.
